So, I haven’t written in a long while, and even when I did it was sporadic. But I thought about it almost every day, I suppose that doesn’t count. I am going to give it another try, writing every day. This is harder than it sounds, for someone like me who has no capacity for self motivation. I spend a lot of time thinking about the things I want to do, and very little time actually doing them. So this is an attempt to overcome that in myself, and believe me it is hard. Right now even I have this feeling of dread inside of me. I wonder if there is a word for a phobia of truly accomplishing something…
One of the problems is that I don’t really feel like I have anything interesting to say. Sometimes I have stories and I can always write in a sort of memoir kind of way, but I don’t want this to be just a journal, this is a different sort of writing exercise that should cover a wider range of writing styles. Prompts would be nice, some sort of outside source that would give me prompts that I could use as inspiration. But outside prompts kinda feel like cheating. At times like these I feel like I am desperately trying to hold in my crazy. Usually I can throw the focus off of myself so that no one notices how strange and insecure I really am, but if I am writing in a blog, it is bound to come out.
This may be one of the reasons I should write, both at my field education parish and in CPE I have been asked to allow myself to be more vulnerable, more emotionally available. Part of me finds this offensive and a total intrusion of my privacy, but I also know that I have created some pretty amazing walls over the years and perhaps it might be useful to create some doorways as well.
So, here I go again, day one.